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Bring It On There’s a draft in the House. And in the Senate. Last year, Congressman and Korean War veteran Charles Rangel had the moral and political fortitude to propose conscription. Last Wednesday, Nebraska Senator and Vietnam War veteran Chuck Hagel seconded the motion. The idea is to bring the war off the flat screen and into the mall while giving our volunteer army a chance to devolunteer. So far, there has been more bipartisan support on the Hill for soft money reform, alternative fuel, and legalizing hemp. Chuck and Chuck might want to start by drafting each other. But we can already hear the wind blowing. Last week was quite a boost for team spirit in Iraq. It started with Spain getting out and ended with Poland getting out. France wants to get in just so they can get out too. Now that members of al-Queda know they can swing entire national elections with a knapsack, a kilogram of fertilizer, and a cell phone, all bets are off. The American presence in Iraq is drawing violent Muslim extremists to the Sunni Triangle like a Girls Gone Wild video shoot brings frat boys to Daytona Beach. With a worldwide Islamic militant recruiting program consisting of ten minutes of al-Jazeerah nightly news, 2004 is shaping up to be the Summer of Hate. Everyone from a sheep-herding Syrian Mujahideen to a disaffected Pakistani civil engineering student knows you can just show up in Karbala and they’ll give you three squares, a place to crash, and an AK-47. These kids drop acid, but only to ignite a bomb strapped to their torso. Many have long hair. They question American authority. They drive around in vans and follow the dead. Meanwhile, the US is just getting started. After the seamless ground campaign in Iraq, it’s on to Iran, Pakistan, Morocco, and North Korea. Soon we’ll have more theaters than Magic Johnson. So until those drones are perfected at Caltech, looks like we’ll be harvesting millions of soldiers right from the heartland. Problem is, a draft will do for this war what marriage does for sex. John and Jane Q. Public will hop on over to the Middle East like WWF fans will hop into the ring against The Rock. We will not have seen so many Americans jumping ship since Sam Waksal found out Erbitux was getting the thumbs down from the FDA. American popular reaction to the draft will make the panic scenes in Godzilla movies look like focus groups. Taco Bell munching, armchair war enthusiasts, upon learning that their number came up, will run like Marilyn Munster’s dates upon seeing Uncle Herman in the doorway. The American tourism boost to Canada will make up for SARS in a fortnight. Mexican President Vicente Fox will have his hands full with American illegal immigrants. South of the Rio Grande, tens of thousands of unemployed Levis and Van Heusen textile workers will be tearfully reunited with their jobs. Countless other American expatriates will do all the jobs Mexicans refuse to do—day trader, Amway representative, infomercial producer, auto insurance salesman . . . . CMT fans will be too busy fleeing the US to throw bottles at the Dixie Chicks. It’s a long way from playing Power Rangers to hanging from a bridge in Falluja. For the huge domestic coalition of the not-so-willing, it will be put up or shut up minus the put up. Marijuana use will rise precipitously among Young Republicans. Gay-baiting white supremacists will recount to the draft board their favorite episode of Will and Grace. LeBron James will enroll in college. Any member of the Crips or Bloods not already dead or in jail will matriculate as a business major. Even AJ from the Sopranos will get in somewhere. Personally, I plan to join the Texas Air National Guard and take long leaves of absence to campaign for Jeb Bush, go on benders, and get my teeth cleaned. Then when the warm months come, things will get really ugly. After John Kerry formally endorses an increase in the number of US troops in Iraq, protests outside the Fleet Center will turn violent, and numerous clashes with police will be seen worldwide during commercials for American Idol. The Boston 8 will include Al Sharpton, Sean Penn, Michael Moore, Bruce Springsteen, Richard Clarke, Wesley Clark, Madonna and, finally, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon counting as one. However, the whole national nightmare can be avoided with a selective draft. A very selective draft. Send William Kristol first. He can explain the neo-conservative philosophy of nation-building to roadside gunmen in Najaf. Draft Colin Powell’s son Michael second, not to get him killed in Tikrit but to get the FCC off Howard Stern’s back. Strap Jessica Simpson to a Smart bomb just to confuse the enemy. The Bush twins can head up the spring break committee in Basra. Send Donald Trump to tell Paul Bremmer “You’re fired.” A desert flash from Janet Jackson will stun the enemy, who will being seeing their first dark breast in daylight since being weaned. Of course, celebs and beautiful people can draft-dodge with the best of us. There is hardly a pundit among us who will go. Rush Limbaugh will be back on OxyContin before you can say “Ditto.” Hardliner Steve Malzberg will Section Eight on day one in the desert, soiling himself and crying for his iPod. The Beltway Boys will get a civil union. Ann Coulter will binge and purge herself to 4F-land. G. Gordon Liddy will go. The problem is, he may come back. The draft, like any disease, will have its positive side effects. With Paul Wolfowitz’s nephew serving in the Philippine Club Med as a war correspondent, the United States may finally be forced to design a flak jacket that works. This generation of skinheads and Kobe Bryant clones will be the easiest in history to shave. You could draft all of Compton and hardly get a hair on the floor. Getting out the tongue rings will be a bit harder, but it’s nothing a really powerful metal detector won’t cure. Perhaps most significantly, the draft combined with the right MTV video rotation might be enough to revive Arlo Guthrie’s career. Visit exciting places, meet interesting people, and teach them to download free music. Rangel and Hagel have the right idea. The Rangel-Hagel bill will give this nation its first genuine moment of truth since Bob Dole endorsed Viagra. Unfortunately, it will never happen. After all, Karl Rove knows the difference between a soccer mom and a sucker mom. Between veterans of foreign wars and Nintendo addicts. Between a purple heart and a yellow rose. Click here to rant back. |