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Mr. October Six months to go in the dirtiest presidential race in US history, and like Billy Joel’s driving record, it’s only going to get worse. With Iraqi prisoners being treated slightly better than Abner Louima, the White House is doing more damage control lately than Michael Jackson’s legal team. Meanwhile, the GOP has spent about $100 million so far in hopes that the Democrats would abort in the first trimester. The balance of this contest is going to make the first Tyson—Holyfield bout look like a game of lawn tennis. Sure, once upon a time, there was Watergate. But what we’re about to witness is well beyond breaking into a psychiatrist’s office. The Bush administration is covering up four years. And if they have their way, people like me will need a shrink. At $4.4 million in television commercials a week, we’re seeing more Bush spots than Enzyte ads. Bush hasn’t spent like this since his early 80s cocaine binges. Consider that there are only a few million swing voters out there, and the math tells us both major parties are looking to spend 50 to 100 bucks per person. Truth is, most of these folks could be bought off with the direct gift of a DVD player if only Ed Gillespie and Terry McAullife knew where to send them. This time around, the Democrats can’t claim poverty. Between the Bush war chest and Teresa Heinz’s gravy, bidding for the highest office in the land is going like JFK’s golf clubs at Sotheby’s. What’s annoying the Democrats, however, are the rules of engagement. Though John Kerry has been lambasted for a flip-flop here and there, Bush is consistently wrong and loving it. We’re not allowed to look at coffins with Old Glory draped over them unless they’re in a Bush ad. And then there’s the whole military service thing. By now, we know more about the candidates’ military records than their own commanding officers ever cared to. Can you blame them? But somehow, the debate has turned to how deep John Kerry’s gunshot wounds were. The closest GW has ever been to riding on a swift boat was a drunken scoot on a Sunfish at Kennebunkport. Everyone knows Karl Rove is looking to put in the fix like Greg Marmalard in Animal House, though you don’t need Dean Wormer when the good people from Diebold are in your corner. Thanks to software written by heavy Republican contributors, Y2K has a new lease on life. For Democrats, it’s even worse this time around. As in a heavyweight title bout, the incumbent need only tie or come reasonably close to retain his crown. And if there’s one thing the Bush team can count on, it’s that Antonin Scalia won’t recuse himself. Yet ironically, the Bush team is getting a little nervous. All those prime time attack ads with hardly a return punch, and it’s still essentially a draw. The New Republic called the Kerry strategy rope-a-dope, but that’s an insult to George Foreman’s intelligence. The GOP might very well be learning an expensive lesson about strategy and timing. Ask Joe Torre why you don’t bring in Mariano Rivera in the fifth inning. But by October, the TV spots on either side won’t mean much anyway. Viewers enjoying NFL games or baseball playoffs would rather make a BLT than watch GW in a jumpsuit landing on a carrier for the fortieth time. And that’s when the real fall classic will begin. There will not be an October surprise from the GOP. There will be many. This is still the party of Lee Atwater. And like Michael Dukakis, John Kerry will have all the right answers by the second week in November. October 1: Washington Times reports John Kerry used military ribbons to roll joints and inhale. October 2: Zyklon stockpile unearthed in Tikrit. October 3: Ceasefire in Fallujah. October 4: Gas down to 1.59 a gallon. October 5: Globe cover story: John Kerry, Crossdresser. October 6: Muammar el-Qaddafi welcomes Marines to shores of Tripoli. October 7: Bush leak links John Kerry to release of Willie Horton. October 8: Pyongyang to host free elections. October 9: Rumors circulate about Teresa Heinz drinking furniture polish. October 10: Ceasefire in Gaza. October 11: Bush’s 1976 DUI disclosed in AP story. Worked in 2000, the first time the Bush team leaked it. October 12: Free OxyContin for seniors. October 13: Summer ’05 federal tax rebate checks arrive early. October 14: New ceasefire in Fallujah. October 15: Fifty-seven cases of food poisoning linked to Heinz ketchup. October 16: New ceasefire in Gaza. October 17: National Weather Service reports global cooling has begun. October 18: New ceasefire in Gaza. October 19: Uday and Qusay still dead. October 20: New ceasefire in Fallujah. October 21: Halliburton receives slap on the wrist for overcharges on blindfolds. October 22: Saddam Hussein leads occupying forces to $4 billion oil-for-food stash. October 23: Anthrax stockpile discovered in Basra. October 24: Abu-Ghraib gets four stars from AAA. October 25: Plutonium stockpile found in Karbala. October 26: 300,000 new jobs created in second quarter . . . 250,000 of them at Burger King. October 27: Federal discount rate drops to 1.8 percent. October 28: US brings home its help desk jobs. October 29: Gas down to 1.42 a gallon. Exxon giving away free glass with eight dollar purchase. October 30: Dark complected man with shoe bomb tackled by passengers at Dulles. October 31: Edited version of Cheney/oil captains meetings released. November 1: Osama bin Laden apprehended in Pakistani 7-Eleven. My name is Rich Herschlag, and I approved this column. Click here to rant back. |