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Excerpts from the Iraqi Constitution We the Shiites and a handful of Kurds, in order to form a union more acceptable both to Karl Rove and our own tradition of religious extremism, hereby set forth this Constitution. The government shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion, with the exception that Islam is the official religion of the state. The legislature shall make no law abridging the freedom to praise Allah. The prime minister shall be of Iraqi birth, at least 35 years of age, and a former employee of Enron, Halliburton, Exxon Mobil, or the Carlisle Group. The nation shall be guided by rule of law until such time as this becomes tedious and impractical. Protection of law shall extend to all individuals regardless of race, creed, or national origin. Except for Jews. The legislature shall make no law abridging the right of the people to assemble for public executions and ritual humiliation. Warrants shall not be issued without suspicion. A person shall be innocent until charged. Persons accused of a crime shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial. The trial may, at the discretion of the state, be so speedy as to throw out a wide variety of evidence the state deems irrelevant or tiresome. A “public trial” shall refer primarily to the execution. During criminal prosecutions, the accused shall have the right to an impartial jury consisting equally of Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds who have not borrowed sheep, oxen, or camels from the accused; have not loaned the same to the accused; have not bought from or sold the accused a slave in the preceding 12 months; have not decreed or executed a fatwa against the accused or a member of his family; and are not currently party to litigation regarding the rightful ownership of a wife. No person shall be subject, for the same offence, to be twice put in jeopardy of life. Limb, however, is another story. Cruel and unusual punishment shall not be inflicted unless at least a two-thirds majority of stadium seats are filled. Preference shall be granted to season ticket holders. Murder shall be against the law. However, if you have a clear shot at Salman Rushdie, take it. Adultery shall be against the law. However, polygamy for men of means shall be permitted. What happens in Iraq stays in Iraq. Slavery is outlawed except for blonde, fair-skinned women below the age of 25 bought and sold on the black market. Private property shall not be taken for public use unless the state deems it necessary. No male citizen shall be denied the right to 70 virgins upon martyrdom. However, prior to martyrdom, that right shall be subject to availability. Supplies may be limited. Offer void where prohibited by law. See dealer for details. Those persons identified as insurgents, terrorists, or anarchists shall be held fully accountable for their actions until such time as they are granted amnesty, pardon, clemency, party membership, or high office. The right to vote is protected by law. Women’s right to vote shall be decided upon by a vote of freely voting women, once such a right is secured by women. The right to bear arms is guaranteed to all American occupying forces. Powers not hereby delegated to the Iraqi government by the Constitution are reserved to an assortment of militias, insurgents, imams, and various members of the community ascribing to themselves supernatural abilities. A civil war shall require a two-thirds majority by the legislature. Laws enumerated within the Constitution are subject to suspension in the event of national emergency or civil disorder, starting now. Click here to rant back. |