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Baloney WASHINGTON | In a move that has left both Democrats and Republicans stunned, President George W. Bush today nominated Oscar Mayer for US Supreme Court justice. Members of the media and lawmakers on both sides of the aisle scurried to find any sort of clue regarding exactly who Oscar Mayer is and how he is likely to rule. While little if anything is known about Mayer’s position on abortion, it is well known that he must be stored at or below 45 degrees Fahrenheit. When asked about the Court’s recent ruling on eminent domain, Mr. Mayer refused comment, wishing to avoid the appearance of prejudice. There is no record of Mayer’s opinion on gay marriage, although he has catered several. Many in the media wondered aloud whether the president’s selection was kosher. Former Vice President Walter Mondale asked, “Where’s the beef?” Ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee Ted Kennedy argued that the Supreme Court is no place for on-the-job training, while Committee Chairman Arlen Specter noted it worked for Clarence Thomas. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi complained, “There were plenty of qualified knockwursts, hams, and sausages out there, but none of them were interviewed for the position.” During a press conference earlier today, President Bush played down charges of cronyism and said confidently, “My baloney has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.” Following the president’s press conference, during which he planted a wet one on Oscar Mayer, members of the administration set out to follow the president’s lead. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice noted that prior to this landmark nomination, lunch meat had been historically underrepresented on the bench. Vice President Dick Cheney said this was the president’s finest appointment since making Mike Brown the head of FEMA and pointed out that Oscar Mayer had been sent to Louisiana and surrounding states to feed Katrina refugees. The Vice President deflected speculation regarding future appointments, including replacing Justice John Paul Stevens with white meat and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg with Hebrew National. Perhaps the strongest vote of confidence for Oscar Mayer came from White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, who read the following statement: “Oscar Mayer possesses the distinct advantage of complete ignorance of the Constitution, its amendments, and the long history of cases heard before the Court. The president has wisely chosen a candidate untainted by past legal battles and unburdened by any sort of opinion regarding the law of the land. Oscar Mayer will bring a freshness to the highest court that cannot easily be attained by a living, breathing justice.” The president added, “My baloney has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R.” What is known about Oscar Mayer is as follows. Mayer’s resume lists a law degree from the University of Buffalo, although classmates recall only sporadic attendance, mostly during meals. Friends remember Oscar Mayer as simple, reliable, and good on rye. Professors recalled an average student who was occasionally spoiled. A longtime Bush family favorite and advisor, he worked briefly as a consultant to the Food and Drug Administration during the mad cow disease crisis. Former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott called him “an example of how, in this country, you can still work yourself up from nothing.” Legal experts say he’s a minimalist. Many this morning predicted Oscar Mayer would eschew the type of judicial activism that has frustrated so many conservatives and added that he is unlikely to legislate from the bench. However, even staunch supporters like Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist concede Oscar Mayer will, in all likelihood, require some seasoning. Meanwhile, many hard right conservatives fear he may turn out to be a liberal, like David Souter. Nonetheless, the president urged quick confirmation, before his nominee “went bad.” Oscar Mayer was attending a luncheon and could not be reached for comment. Click here to rant back. |