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Hell Freezes Over The following is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the spineless. After five years as a commentator, I’ve been canned at my local NPR station . . . for being too liberal. This is like Pamela Anderson getting kicked off of Baywatch for showing too much cleavage. It’s like getting kicked out of the Dead for smoking weed. It’s like getting tossed from the Daytona 500 for speeding. If I were Superman, this would be Bizzaro World. And I thought NPR stood for No Persons Republican. Now that the unthinkable is thinkable, other almost unthinkable things can be quite thinkable. The do not call list will work. I’ll stop getting e-mails for penis enlargement pills. The Israelis and Palestinians will settle their dispute with a soccer match. Pete Rose goes to the Hall. Michael Jackson comes out. And the charges stick. GW will speak in complete, grammatical sentences. Bill and Hillary will have sex. I will understand my phone bill. No strange fees on my checking statement. I’ll get right in to see my doctor. The Cubs and Red Sox go to the series. Okay, now I’m being ridiculous. Yeah, I’m a liberal. Me and Wesley Clark. New rules: If you don’t like going to war on a rumor, you’re a liberal. If you don’t like funding tax breaks with record federal deficits, you’re a liberal. If you don’t like changing the definition of radioactive waste so you don’t have to bury it, you’re a liberal. If you don’t like the prospect of the federal government writing its own warrants to search through your sock drawer, you’re a liberal. Don’t hate me just because I was right about Iraq. There is still plenty of time to find a couple micrograms of plutonium-233. Perhaps I shouldn’t complain. Anyone who toils full or part time in radio knows that station formats and personalities come and go like J. Lo’s boyfriends. I was told straight out that I was being replaced by a so-called conservative. Unlike some of the ingrates out there, I really do appreciate a station manager too strung out on booze and pills to lie. This brush-off had less spin than a Tim Wakefield knuckleball. And of course, it’s good to have a humbling experience now and again. Getting knocked down a couple pegs can make you not only a better commentator, but a better golfer, lover, and GameCube player. And there are still other consolations. Getting fired from a volunteer position at an organization where you also made donations has its upside. The primary effects are more free time and disposable income. What’s more, in the era of the Family Time Flexibility Act, the Patriot Act, and the Clear Skies Act, getting fired for being too liberal is a badge of honor. Not bad, all things considered. But something in my brain was making a click and a clack. It would be easier to take the proverbial boot from someone whose salary was paid exclusively by bake sales and quilt raffles. But the truth is, his salary is paid, in part, by me and by you. Given that, equal time should not mean five minutes for Sean Hannity and five minutes for Cal Thomas. And that’s when it hit me like a snooty diatribe from Ann Coulter. This is not about equal time. It’s about equal money. Or, in this case, unequal money. With federal support for public broadcasting in jeopardy and the middle class busy making VISA card payments at 18.3 percent, the funding gap gets filled in by wealthy individuals and wealthier corporations. It is a fact that in America, most public offices and private media are for sale. Now it’s public media too. If you can call it that. What they really want are liberal donations. Like the recent one for $200 million from the McDonald’s widow. One could argue that NPR can accept that kind of dough and still be fair and balanced. Or still hungry. But that’s a Kroc. Click here to rant back. |