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Affirmative Action United States Department of Defense Att: Donald Rumsfeld 1000 Defense Pentagon Washington, DC 20301-1000 USA Application for Invasion of a Sovereign State To the Applicant: The US government has begun an ambitious campaign of overthrowing rogue states. Your state may be eligible. However, due to a fiscal crisis, spots for the 2004 calendar year are limited. In an effort to prioritize our selection process, we are accepting applications from citizens for participation in this prestigious program. Results will be compiled and ranked, and notifications made via leaflet or cluster bomb. Please answer all questions below, taking care to follow the written instructions and to swallow any unused portion of the application. Tell us in 100 words or less why your dictator sucks. Please provide a detailed record of your country’s human rights abuses in the era after the US stopped supplying weapons, economic aid, and military intelligence to the regime. Describe your country’s involvement in the 9/11 attacks. Include any hearsay regarding friends, acquaintances, or distant relatives receiving flying lessons in the US, living with eight other unemployed Muslims in a one-bedroom condo in Norristown, PA, videotaping US landmarks, or driving a rented vehicle in the vicinity of Crawford, Texas. Would you be willing to lead US armed forces to a cache of weapons of mass destruction or to describe one you vaguely recall being discussed while price-shopping for camel laxative? Given the following choice, whom from among the following would you prefer to be your viceroy and, in 50 words or less, why? Jay Garner, James Garner, Bobby Knight, Ben Affleck, Howard Stern, Geraldo Rivera, RuPaul, Charlton Heston, Joey Buttafuoco, Colonel Oliver North, Reese Witherspoon, Al Sharpton, Jack Osborne, Tonya Harding, Chuck Norris, Kelly Osborne, Anna Nicole Smith. In the space provided below, describe your country’s unsuccessful clandestine efforts to assassinate a US president who is not already dead or Bill Clinton. During the days immediately following surrender, which department stores and national shrines would you loot and why? Can you take Rick Santorum off our hands? Would you be willing to assemble groups of celebrants for UPI photographers upon the fall of your country’s capital? If the answer to the above question is yes, what American corporate logos are you amenable to wearing during shooting? How long can you go comfortably without food, running water, clothing, shelter, or medical attention? Name any highly valued natural resources your country has that may be applied toward your financial aid package. New Coke or Classic Coke? Successful candidates in the past have demonstrated great patience, resourcefulness, and ingenuity. Tell us how you would accept orders from an American occupying force while making the transition from dictatorship to democracy. In 200 words or less, describe the similarities and differences between James Madison’s and Alexander Hamilton’s positions on centralized government in The Federalist Papers. In 50 words or less, describe the sort of blood vengeance you are planning to undertake against loyalists in the days immediately following the fall of your city. Young slim Elvis, or aging fat Elvis? Which of the following franchises would you be willing to work for as a trainee? Pick any three: Foot Locker, Wendy’s, TCBY, Radio Shack, Barnes & Noble, Benetton, CVS, The GAP. If you were a member of the occupying force, how would you redecorate your tyrant’s palace? Regime change. What do these words mean to you and your children? Tell us, in 100 words or less, why the United Nations is essentially an obsolete body. Are you available for ancillary post-invasion duties such as minefield sweeping, preparing or unearthing of mass graves, snitch, informer, spy, intelligence officer, webmaster? Tell us about a meaningful experience you had while being interrogated, beaten, or tortured and how it influenced favorably your views on capitalism. Be concise. How did you first hear about us: Al-Jazeera, BBC Radio, Radio Free Europe, leaflets, Al-Qaeda, graffiti, the Koran, Yahoo, other? Have you ever hanged a Republican in effigy? Though every country is considered for invasion based on its own merits, we do take into consideration exiled relatives. Do you have any such relatives, particularly those who are prominent businessmen, pro-American, willing to speak out against the current regime on cable news shows, and willing to return to their homeland as a figurehead in a US-run puppet democracy? Whom would you pick for your country’s ace of spades? Five of diamonds? Two of hearts? Who is the Joker? Candidates may feel that standard application questions are somewhat limiting. The space below is intended for open expression. Feel free to draw anything from a caricature of Hans Blix to a map of your country’s tunnel network. Early Action Candidates Only Please provide the exact longitude and latitude (include minutes and seconds) of your country’s supply of Sarin, anthrax, or weapons-grade plutonium. Application Fee The application fee of $25 is waived if the 2002 per capita income of your country was less than $1,000. However, you may be asked to lead US armed forces to your deposed dictator’s personal strongbox. Deadline All applications must be received before November 2004 to be considered. Candidates may be asked to interview in Camp X-Ray or in an undisclosed location of our choosing. Click here to rant back. |